I Don't Have to Push Through

This past week has felt a little blah.

Not terrible. Not a crisis. Just low energy, a little under the weather, and not quite myself.

Normally, when I feel this way, my instinct is to push. Do more. Fix it. Get back on track.

But this week, I didn't have much fight in me.

And maybe that wasn't a bad thing.

Tonight I went to Recovery Dharma. A man who had previously bullied me showed up. If I had known he was going to be there, I probably wouldn't have gone. When I saw him, my first thought was, I can do this.

And I could have.

I could have stayed. I could have pushed through the discomfort. I could have ignored what was happening in my body.

But during the meditation, I noticed something.

I didn't feel safe.

And for the first time, instead of listening to the critic that said, "You should be over this by now" or "Don't give him that much power," I listened to myself.

I realized I didn't have to prove anything.

I could lead the meditation, then take care of myself.

So when it was over, I went and sat in my car until my friends were ready to leave.

The surprising part is that I wasn't disappointed in myself.

I was proud of myself.

For most of my life, strength meant enduring. Pushing through. Ignoring my limits.

Overriding what I felt.

Tonight, strength looked different.

It looked like listening.

Maybe healing isn't learning how to tolerate more discomfort.

Maybe healing is learning to practice self-compassion and listen to what we need.

Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is stop arguing with ourselves and simply listen.

Messy. Bumpy. Possible.- Leigh